Thought for the Day - Practice Until You Overcome Doubt

 It is a common question? How much should I practice? How hard?

The answer is - until there is no doubt in your mind.

Photo courtesy Sunnie

The mind works in funny ways. Many times you may have done enough work but your mind does not believe you have done enough. That is why you must practice or work on yourself till your mind is satisfied. Work relentlessly till all the doubts in your mind are answered. Am i fit enough? Work harder at fitness? Am i skilled enough? Work harder at skill? Am I mentally strong? Work harder at the metal aspect? Keep at it until the mind feels it is enough.

The race is between you and your mind. When your mind is satisfied, you are ready.    

Acts of Love - Little Girl Helping her Mom

 Both incidents happened on my walk. First the young boy of eleven or twelve years, walking to school, gently kicking away a piece of trash that was lying on the road. It was not necessary that he do it - he could have let it be but he didn't. And then he looked around to see if anyone noticed him - not for appreciation but more out of fear that he may be seen as a sissy doing social service in an entitled world. As I passed him I patted him on the shoulder and said nothing but he smiled in acknowledgement. 

We need more of your kind kid.

The little girl creating her own patch of heaven for her mom

The second one was equally cute. As I turned the corner I saw this lady setting up her vegetable cart to sell produce for the day by the side of the road. And right in front of the cart she and her daughter, perhaps nine or ten years of age, had swept the road and watered it and made it inviting. The young girl, dressed in her school dress, was busy drawing a muggu. She was very good at it too. I felt I would be intruding if I asked for permission so I took the pic from far. Such enthusiasm to help her mother on a cold wintry morning and doing her part so well. 

Such an act of love. 

Difficult Conversations - Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

The byline  - 'How to discuss what matters most' - says it all (as most bylines do). The authors were part of the Harvard Negotiation Project so that makes it all the more credible. Vinod gave it to me with instructions to return so I guess its an important book. I certainly needed it. After reading it I realised I am very ill equipped for 'Difficult Conversations' since I do not tick many boxes and seem to tick all the 'Dont' boxes. I am sure this book will change my outlook to Difficult Conversations in future and hopefully show some improvement going forward.

A Difficult Conversation is defined as anything we find hard to talk about. Anytime we feel vulnerable, where our self-esteem is implicated, where issues are important and outcomes uncertain, when we care deeply about the issue or about the people, it is a Difficult Conversation. Since these conversations are a normal feature in life and we cannot fully avoid them, some understanding on how to go about will reduce fear and anxiety that surround the Difficult Conversations. So let's plough on.

The formula in a nutshell 
Step 1 - Walk through these 3 conversations (which are normally the core of Difficult Conversations) 

- The 'What Happened' Conversation (remember there are Multiple stories not just yours, There is impact and intent - so do not assume intent and instead talk of impact, No one side is to blame as both have contributed)

- Feelings Conversation - expressing feelings that surround the situation is important as Difficult Conversations are mostly about unsaid feelings

- Identity Conversation - Seeing how your identity or self-image is affecting the conversation

Step 2 - Check your Purposes and decide whether to raise the issue

Step 3 - Start from the third story (not yours, theirs but the third story as a mediator from the outside)

Step 4 - Explore their story and yours

Step 5 - Problem solving  

...

The authors have brought down all Difficult Conversations to about 3 conversations - there is a common structure to all Difficult Conversations. The problem arises when we do not understand what the other person is thinking/feeling but not saying. The gap between what is unsaid and what they feel or think is what makes the conversation difficult.

The 3 conversations are
1) What Happened - the disagreement about what actually happened
2) The feelings (are our feelings valid or appropriate in the situation or should we take feelings out of the equation)
3) Our identity (what will the conversation do to my identity or self-image)

1. 'What Happened' Conversations - three issues that we must be aware of
a) what we think as the truth is not the only truth (there are multiple stories involved)
b) what they intend is just an assumption (intentions are invisible) 
c) there is not one person to blame (both have contributed in some way or another)

a) Truth - Stop arguing about who is right and explore each other's stories. Arguing blocks exploration. Understand there are different stories and perceptions at play. Move from certainty to curiosity and embrace both stories. Adopt the 'And' stance.

b) Don't assume intent - disentangle intent from impact because we tend to assume the worst, listen for feelings, reflect on your intention

c) Abandon blame - map the contribution system. Blame is judging which looks backward, while contribution is understanding which looks forward. Contribution is also joint and interactive. (Some hard to spot ways in which you would have contributed are - avoiding until now, being unapproachable, problematic role assumptions). Role reversal and observer insight can help understand the other better. To help them understand their contribution - make your observation explicit and clarify what you would have them do

II. 'Feelings' Conversations
These are what make conversations difficult. If one can address and express their feelings surrounding the situation it helps make the conversations better.

Have your feelings or they will have you they say. Solving problems seems easier than talking about emotions. Feelings are the heart of difficult conversations. Our failure to acknowledge and discuss feelings derails Difficult Conversations. You cannot have an effective conversation without talking about the primary issues. 

Unspoken feelings colour the conversation - they alter toNe, body language, facial expressions, cause  detachment, bring in sarcasm, aggressiveness, impatience, defensive behavior and disengagement.

Unexpressed feelings can burst into conversations making it difficult to listen. The hardest part of Difficult Conversations is expressing and listening. Unexpressed feelings block ability to listen. Unexpressed feelings take toll on self-esteem and relationships.

To understand your feelings better 
Find your feelings - explore your emotional footprint, remember that your feelings are as important as others, that feelings are normal and natural, that good people can have bad feelings

Find a bundle of feelings behind simple labels

Find feelings hiding under attributions, judgments, accusations

Remember that you can negotiate with feelings. 

The key to handle this - Recognise that feelings are formed in response to our thoughts. The route to changing your feelings is through changing your thoughts.

When you're having a Difficult Conversation - Don't vent, describe your feelings carefully, see the difference between being emotional and expressing emotions, frame feelings back into the problem, express the full spectrum of your feelings, don't evaluate, just show, express without judgment or blame

Start with ' I feel...'Get everything you are feeling into the conversation.

Acknowledging feelings is crucial in any relationship. Sometimes feelings are all that matter. Don't go from describing feelings to problem solving. Its important to acknowledge their feelings. Acknowledge that what they have said has made an impression on you, that these feelings matter, that you're trying to understand.

3) The 'Identity' Conversation 

It is a very subtle area and needs greater awareness to what identities we are holding on to and how that is impacting the conversation. To get over the Identity issue, ground your identity and ask what's at stake.

The three core identities that are threatened are
1) am I competent
2) am I a good person
3) am I worthy of love

Identity quakes can knock us off balance. You need to regain balance quickly. Thinking clearly and honestly about who you are can help reduce anxiety.

Vulnerable identities are - all or nothing syndrome (good/bad, perfect/ worthless) denial or exaggeration

To ground your identity - complexify your identity (adopt an And stance so you are not all or nothing)

Remember 3 things to make your self-image easier
1) you make mistakes
2) your intentions are complex
3) you contributed to the problem

To regain balance when identity is threatened and you're off balance
1) don't try to control their reactions
2) prepare for their responses
3) imagine how you will look at it from the future
4) take a break

Raise identity issues explicitly. Often Difficult Conversations are wrapped up in both people reacting to what the conversation seems to be saying about them

Ask for help 

Creating a Learning Conversation

Overall the idea is to make the Difficult Conversations into Learning Conversations - that there is different information and there are different perceptions, by exploring each others stories, by sharing the impact it had on each other, by agreeing that both have contributed, by accepting that feelings are at the heart of the conversation, by addressing feelings without judgments and attributions, by attributing complexity for each, by understanding the identity issues of both, by building a more complex self-image for better balance etc can make for learning conversations.     

The 3 conversations that don't make sense

1) when the real conflict is inside you
2) when there is a better way to resolve than talking (like actions instead of words)
3) when we have purposes that make sense?

Remember, we cannot change other people. we can only change ourselves. Don't focus on short term relief and long term cost. dont hit and run.

Letting go - Adopting some liberating assumptions
1)  its not my responsibility to make things better, It's my responsibility to do my best
2) they have limitations too
3) this conflict is not who I am
4) letting go does not mean I not longer care

If you raise the Difficult Conversation 3 purposes that work
1) learning from their story
2) expressing your views freely
3) problem solving together

Getting started 
Step One - Begin from the 3rd story (yours, mine, 3rd/ think like a mediator, learn to describe the gap between your story and theirs)
Step 2 - extend an invitation (describe your purposes, invite, don't impose, make them a partner in figuring it out, be persistent)

Map - their story, your story, 3rd story (when talking explore where each story comes from, share impact on you, take responsibility for your contribution, describe feelings

Listening from the Inside out
Listening is one of the most important skills for Difficult Conversations. It helps understand them and you. Helps them listen to you.
Forget the words, focus on authenticity

Manage your internal voice

3 skills
1) inquiry (ask open ended questions, seek concrete information)
2) paraphrasing
3) acknowledgment (their feelings before problem solving)

Empathy is a journey.

Expression - Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power

Remember you are entitled to your expression. You are no more, no less than the other. Don't self-sabotage yourself. Failure to express yourself keeps you out of the relationships. feel entitled, not obligated. 

3 guidelines to tell your story with clarity
1) your conclusions are not the truth
2) share where your conclusions came from
3) Don't use 'Always' and 'Never' exaggerations 

To help them understand you 1) paraphrase back to you 2) ask how they see it differently

Problem Solving

Take the lead 
Reframe (take the essence of what the other person is saying and translate it into concepts that are more helpful
Use concepts for the 3 conversations
Listen - be persistent (you cannot move the conversation in a positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood)

Name the dynamic - make the trouble explicit
Begin to problem solve
Invent options 

...

I can see all my shortcomings in difficult conversations - sometimes the what happened is colored, i never express my feelings properly without getting triggered, I take an 'always' or 'never' approach, my identity gets easily threatened and I withdraw or disengage, I assume intent, do not clearly state the impact on me, use blame and detest contribution. What I also realise is that when someone deals with me, they are already set up for a difficult conversation! The book has made me realise these shortcomings and just yesterday I caught myself using an 'always' statement and caught myself. My self-talk is on a 'never' story. 

Awareness then is the beginning and I am certain I will be able to build on this and maybe reduce fear and anxiety over these conversations. Thanks Vinod bhai and thanks book!    

Hyderabad by Walk - Paigah Tombs

This is my second visit to the Paigah tombs - the first one was an unguided one where we just wandered around and admired the beautiful structures. This time Tanya organised a heritage walk and I asked Vasu if he was interested and both of us joined the walk at 9 am.

The Paigah insignia

The mosque

A group of some 7-8 joined us. Tanya as always is meticulous in her preparation and gave us some architectural insights - she being an architect herself. For example she told us how the female tombs had a depression on top while male tombs had a keystone on top.

Pineapple motif

Tombs

Intricate work

The  Paigahs were nobility and fierce loyalists of the Nizam who served as generals, statesmen and philanthropists, maintained their own arms and were richer than most Maharajas. 

Entrance

Lattice work

The title Shams-Ul-Umra was given to the first of the line Abdul Fateh Khan Jung who came from Delhi with the first Nizam to handle the kingdom of Golconda after the fall of Qutb Shah empire. His tomb was the first and the place gradually became the burial ground for the Paigah family.

The Amir-E-Kabir HE Sir Khursheed Jah Bahadur is the one who seems to have developed the area and the tombs of his family has been given preferential treatment in terms of size and ornateness.

Apart from their social status the Paigahs were great builders and built palaces such as Falaknuma Palace, Asmangarh Palace and Khurshid Jah Devdi among others.

Open to sky

The tombs of Shams-Ul-Umra I to V, Asman Jah, Khurshid Jah, Sir Vicar Ul Umra, Moin Ud Dowla and others are well preserved. All tombs are exposed to the sky in deference to the Emperor Aurangazeb whose tomb is also open to sky.

   

Keystone on tomb for males

There was some restoration going on. Overgrown weeds and plants, an old mosque, many smaller tombs all add to the beauty of the place.The intricate work with limestone, on marble, lattice work, the pineapple motifs are a pleasure to behold.

Red Cherries on the Canara Coast (The Story of Cricket in Mangalore and Udipi)- Jayanth Kodkani

When we played University cricket one team always caught my fancy - just the other day I was telling someone about it - the Mangalore University team. Win or lose, the Mangalore University corner was always happy and in party mode. It's an attitude I told myself I would love to carry wherever I go, whatever I do - play hard, party hard. So when Jayanth Kodkani, my friend from ToI Bangalore said he had written a book on cricket in Mangalore I was keen to read it to get an idea of what shaped Mangalore cricket - the people, history, attitudes, conditions.

The idea for the book itself came from an exhibition organised in February 2022 by Kasturi Balakrishna Pai or Pai Maam - 'Nurturers of the Cherry Garden' - a collection of all cricket memorabilia of Pai Maam. The book was published by the Art Kanara Trust, and the patrons were gracious enough to send me a copy of the book with a note. Thank you so much Art Kanara Trust. This will remain a prized possession. The least I can do is review it.

Mangalore cricket goes 150 years back when 7 Jesuit priests landed in Mangalore in 1878 and set up the St. Aloysius College which became the breeding ground of all cricket and sporting activity in coming years. More importantly the St Aloysius College, under the stewardship of Rev John Moore started the 'Mangalore Magazine' where all matches were covered and written in his own poetic style.

Some of the earliest teams that played in the area appear to be Mangalore Sports Club and the Pentland's Team which have old rivalries as they are bound to. The most popular and perhaps older cricket tournament in the region is the Taj Mahal Cup - which had a play to finish format in its early avatar - one match apparently went on for seven days! Two Ranji matches were hosted by Mangalore in 1957 and 1959, both against Kerala, and Karnataka walked away with the honours both times. One game later against Andhra, at Udipi. I cannot help thinking that its precious little for that region certainly. The distance from Bengaluru which is the cricketing head quarters would have snuffed many a young talent unless they moved to study or work in Bengaluru. 

The book throws up many interesting characters. One of the characters that show up in the book is Lord Harris who was the Governor (of Mumbai?) after whom the famous Harris Shield of Mumbai is named. His wonderfully well written do's and dont's for batsmen, bowlers, captains and so on and listed in entirety and make for interesting reading. I've got some of the important ones at the bottom.

Literary giants from the area - Shivram Karanth, Vyasa, Aravind Adiga also had some links to cricket - big or small. Adiga also wrote a book titled 'Selection Days' which was made into a web series.  I didn't see the series or read the book. 

Of utmost importance is the chapter on the man without whose single minded devotion to the game in Mangalore, this book would not have happened - Mr Balakrishna Pai or simply Pai maam, collector of scrap books, enthusiast extraordinaire, umpire and generally protector of the grounds and tradition of the game in the Canara region. Born in the year that SMG AND GRV were born, his achievements and passion in his area of interest are no less.

Another important character in the book is the main Maidan in Mangalore and the centre of all cricketing action over the years, the Nehru Maidan which was earlier known as Central Maidan - until Jawaharlal Nehru came to inaugurate a port or something and then the Maidan was renamed Nehru Maidan. The land was donated by one Mary Coelho - an amazing story there. Of the 24 acres of so, only about 9 acres seems to remain. How land disappears! 

Of other things Mangalore, Jayanth brings in little snippets like the presence of radio pavilions where people could listen to radio commentary! 

Jayanth also lists out short bios of all the cricketers from the area over the years. From the 1900s - 1950s some of the cricketing stalwarts who played from the region are - NN Suvarna, Basti Shenoys, the Kunderans, Dayanand Kamath, BC Alva, BS Alva, BS Alva, GK Sunderam, S. Gopal Pai, K. Ganapathy Rao, AT Shenoy, Surendra Kamath, BR Mohan Pai, Dr HD Ballal, Keshav Bharadwaj, Patrick Furtado, Udipi Prabhakara Rao, J Mahendra, PN Bhandary, V Subraya Kini, ML Narayana Pai, James Wilson Ammanna, Dr Dinker Pai. Each with his own interesting story. 

Budhi Kunderan was the star!

The 1975s-2000s era saw players like Raghuram Bhat, PV Shashikanth, K Jeswanth (all of who I played against and with Shashikanth I played in the same team - the South Zone U 22 team), Sanath Kumar, Suresh Shetty, Dayanand Bangar, Shyamachandra Bhat, Pradeep Vaz, J. Ramesh Rao and Mansoor Hussain. 

The 2000s-2025 era has players like K.L. Rahul, Prashanth Braggs, Umesh Kavin, Sinan Khadir, Abhilash Shetty.

Cricketers who have family roots in the region include Ravi Shastri, Sanjay Manjrekar, Anil Kumble, Tanush Kotian, Carlton Saldanha, Salil Ankola, Jemimah Rodrigues and others. There's Satish Acharya, the famous cartoonist who also hails from here and whose cartoons I m getting in my Facebook feed on a regular basis now which I enjoy. 

Samuel Jayaraj as KL Rahul's coach leads the pack of coaches along with Vijay Alva, Benjamin D Souza, MN Shanker.

The clubs that keep the cricket going are Mangalore Sports Club (1951), Jai Hind Club (1950) Pentland Sports Association (1926), City Cricket Club (1961), St. Aloysius CA, Canara Bank Sports Council (1984-85), Syndicate Bank Recreation Sports Club among others and they participate in tournaments such as Taj Mahal Trophy, Albuquerque Cup, B Damodar Pai Memorial Trophy, BC Alva Trophy, Dayanand Kamath Memorial Rolling Shield, Hangyo Cup and so on. Newer teams like Karavali Cricket Academy, Udipi District CA, NITK, New Mangalore Port Trust Team, Mangalore University Team, Chakravarthy CC also compete.

The book offers a very interesting insight into cricket in these parts, the history, the culture, the traditions and the passion. I played with PV Shashikanth in our U22 days and I remember how serious he was as an aspiring cricketer - an aggressive bat, a man with a serious routine and a very pleasant persona. I remember getting his phone number in Mangalore and calling him when I went to Bangalore to launch 'The Men Within' way back in 2007 and he spoke warmly and said he would not be able to make it as he was in Mangalore. After reading the book I definitely want to visit Mangalore where I have pleasant memories from my previous visits, and also where my nephew now works, and visit Nehru Maidan, St. Aloysius College, maybe meet Pai maam and hopefully catch some cricketing action. And soon!

Thanks so much Jayanth for writing this wonderful book which truly gives an idea of how this game evolved in our country. Reading Makarand Waigankar's 'Bombay Boys' on Bombay cricket, PR Man Singh's 'Cricket Biryani', Dr. Avinash Chitale's book on 'A Story of the Legendary Holkar Team', has certainly broadened my mind about the history and evolution of cricket in India. So much is owed to people like Pai Maam and certainly to those who document it like Jayanth. The book is full of rare and interesting pictures, score cards, newspaper clippings, maps, documents, illustrations - painstaking work that puts it all in perspective. 

Very well done Art Kanara Trust and Jayanth Kodkani.         

Lord Harris's Do's and Don't
Batsmen

1) Be content to stay at the wicket without getting a run in the first half hour
2) don't say it was bad luck when you are out, but try to make out where the fault in your own play lay

Bowler

1) Get your hand as high as you can
2) Don't be satisfied with bowling straight on a good wicket, vary the pace. It is the highest art of bowling. (do something and produce results)
3) Don't sulk when taken off after bowling well

Fielder  

1) watch the ball as it is bowled and anticipate the hit that is to follow
2) don't run in, rather run back, easier to run forward if you have misjudged it
3) use both hands to field
4) don't go to sleep

Captain

1) don't go by the reputation of your best bowler, you are playing to win the match, so take him off when you think best
2) put every man in the exact spot you think suitable
3) don't blame unsuccessful fieldsmen, sympathise with him and his efforts will be encouraged

To all
1) Don't play for yourself, play for your side

The Diaries of Franz Kafka - Franz Kafka

 Franz Kafka (1883-1924), one of the literary geniuses of the twentieth century who fused realism and fantasy, wrote these diaries during 1910-1923 in a bid to prod his creativity. He wrote his diaries until 1923, a year before he died of tuberculosis. Interestingly his career choices include being a novelist and a short story writer and also an insurance man (he was trained to be a lawyer).

The diaries are deeply personal and flit about here and there as he ponders over his failed relationships, people in his life, ideas for books, details of some part of his daily life, his frustrations with his father for having to work in a factory when he wanted to write, he reflections on his imperfections, the angle of reproach. He was a depressed man, isolated from family and friends and of generally poor health. He frequently doubted himself, his writing and very little of his work actually got published in his lifetime.

Engaged several times he never married. His writing is also (including his diaries) seen as funny by some (perhaps because he was very honest) and one friend is quoted as saying that when he read his stuff Kafka would frequently burst out laughing and stop reading.

The diaries were edited and published by his friend Max Brod after his death. 

I picked up this book from Indialog, which at that time had a wonderful collection of classics, well produced and I remember thinking I should improve my literary reading and picked up many - O Henry, Maupassant, Wilde, Austen. Think this one is the last of that series. Thanks Indialog, thanks Keerti. 

Thought for the Day - Looking Hard is Being Open

 When we seek something - we look very hard. When we look very hard we maintain very narrow focus and miss out on things. our mind is fast eliminating things and we miss out on some essential cues which may lead us to where the object we want is - most times in front of our eyes.

I feel that perhaps being open is more useful than going at it very hard. It presents more perspectives, broadens the focus, helps us change perspective easily - and mostly opens our eyes to the world around us.

One is hard. One is easy.